Will it matter in a month?

Will it matter in a month?

That’s it for me. That is the parenting question to end all questions.

Last night Nicholas was being really disobedient. . He was warned. He lost 2 lesser valued objects. All that was left was his “friend” (his lovie .. his version of pinkie) and his pacifier. (that he gets for sleep and its WONDERFUL!) . I told him.. we told him..

he lost it for the night.. he could earn it back in the morning by starting to obey right then.

He did.

It was hard. I still regret the few times Jennifer lost pinkie.. I still feel so guilty she ever went to bed hurting and missing her best bear..

I can’t parent them from that place though.. I want to . I think about it. Taking it away made my stomach literally lurch. ..

Would it matter in a month?

..yes. Him disobeying me would matter in a month. So we took it.

Today he wanted to go out without a shirt -I didn’t love the idea. We had preschool drop off/pick up.. a coffee mommy/son/baby sister date and an errand to run..

Would it matter in a month?

…no. Him not wearing a shirt wouldn’t matter in a month. So off we went.

Even though I have to fight myself on it now.. I cannot parent my 3 living like they will die tomorrow. .. That actually kind of sucks. I still have to be firm.. be the “bad guy”. Be the cause of their tears. Something that is now so much harder and scarier than it ever was before.

So I find myself asking if it will matter in a month.. its a way I can shake my brain out and let the feelings fall to the bottom and the right answer rise to the top. ..

Im doing a mama-thon challenge. Just a different way to raise money .. to have people sponsor your parenting efforts.. I am really taking it to heart and finding ways to make it matter to me.. I have referred to it like a mama walk a thon…laps getting sponsored.

…jinxed it

Today was not a good day for me. I just feel like my to-do list is forever growing. And I am always dropping the ball on something.. I never understood the whole needing more hours in a day thing.. till now..literally a friend dropped milk off for me today..that list..

Will it matter in a month?

no…and yes … and no… and yes..

hmmm ok well then what will matter most?

Them. Ok done. I sat with my boys and watched a movie. It was terrible. So I opened up the computer and checked out facebook ..

It was her schools walk – a – thon today. I tried to scroll past pictures quickly.. but they popped up from person after person.

She should have been there. It should have been my first mom experience at a walk – a – thon. We should be so excited for summer to be coming.. for her to graduate kindergarten.

..instead we finalized the layout for her headstone …

One of these realities is a dream.. the one where she lived or the one where she died. It feels like my mind cannot comprehend .. like my soul cannot absorb .. that both can be true.

..my daughter lived and my daughter died..

One has to be untrue. ..

has

to

be.

I closed my computer. I tried to settle in.. focus on the legs crossed on top of mine.. the ones next to me..

Not the ones that should have been walking. ..the ones that in that moment, I knew were really here..

but now aren’t.

So I promised myself I would come back tonight. Remember her. And cry. Then be a walk-a -thon mom for the first time.. the only way I am still able …

matching the funds that have been pledged on my mama-thon page at the time I end this blog.

I will do what I can to reach my end goal of $100,000. in the hands of the researchers that have her tumor.. the only living part of her left. .. by the one year anniversary of her death. And in 2 days I will participate in a 5k held in her honor…with at least half of the proceeds going towards her fund.

I didn’t get to go around with her asking for people to sponser her laps at school. . but this money I can give.

no running legs, no quickened heartbeat, no sweaty brow to kiss. ..

I think she would have done really well.

will it matter in a month?

yes. damnit. yes. and if it keeps going the way it has been.. it will matter harder and harder..

oh jennifer. I wish you were here.