watching

I am starting to get so exhausted. I can’t fall asleep. When I do its a restless sleep..I think it’s often filled with nightmares. And the kids are waking up a lot at night. Not a good combination.

Still this morning I felt a urge to run…so I did. I want to just keep running. I felt that way before…like I wanted to grab my whole family and outrun her cancer. Now I want to run from my breaking heart…but I can’t.

I am my broken heart…it is me.

At night like this…alone and awake. I ache so much for her. I feel it physically. Tony and I gorge ourselves nightly on desserts..and when he goes to bed it all wants to come back up. I grow terrified that I wont be able to do this…

.. .that I will never survive without her. . .that maybe I don’t even want to…am I even really trying?..

Talking with a friend today she said she has read a lot that those that have passed can communicate through electronics. I feel that way when I run and listen to music. Songs come on I have never heard. My first instinct is to skip them…but I stop before doing it. And the songs always make a impact.

..it all seems so crazy and beyond belief, but so does everything in my life right now. I don’t want to look too hard for a message from her. But I also don’t want to miss one if its being offered.

The boys and I watched videos of her today. I could have done it all day long. Its all I want to do now.  Hearing her little voice.. infectious laugh…love for us. i love you It fills me…to the brim. It lets me pretend she is still here. Then I stop…and the emptiness …the space in our lives with her missing…is even more pronounced.

I was so acutely aware of the times she was saying ” Mama…” but I was too caught up filming the boys or something else. I do not want to do that to her still..If she is finding ways of trying to connect..I want to hear her.

I read every comment on here..and I can remember being a reader of blogs or articles like this. I would read it and appreciate my kids more…be slower…Naturally though I would slip up…and forget. And I would forgive myself and start anew…tomorrows a new day kinda thing. But now.. now I know…so personally that there are no guarantees.

…for us there are no new days. Just this same groundhogs day dressed up different ways…but the core of the day is always the same.. .

Jennifer is dead.

Today running it made me mad…that the innocence and the natural belief in renewable parenting..has been stripped away. Me too.. I have been stripped down to just the framework of the mother and person I used to be.

I was the strongest person I knew. I can honestly say that. But now I am so broken..beaten…

..destroyed.

This I cannot rise above. I’m like milk that got left out… tricky because it looks fine to the naked eye..but when they go to drink from me…its spoiled.

I used to be able to push through…power through…because I was able to see a end in sight. I went to a baby shower while having a miscarriage because I didn’t want to regret missing out on a special event just because I was hurting in that moment. And maybe a bit for the challenge of it..I never gave up or let us be defeated.

But I can’t fix this. There is no way out. We have no options…There is no end to be seen.

…and frankly…I don’t care to fight.

It sounds crazy, but I think it just sinks in a little bit differently everyday ….but then my memory, my mind  rejects it…and the next day I start all over again. Tonight I walked around and saw gluten filled food throughout our home. Food that would make her so sick…now slowly replacing the food that kept her safe.

I want to throw it all away. I want to complain how hard it is to live with a daughter with celiac. I want that to be her disease…

.. .i just want to hold her again.. .

Watching those videos today with the boys was hard.So many memories and so many fears for whats to come. We loved the garlic festival…planned on going every year..The first year we took a family picture and planned on taking one in the same place every year. How can we now? And they make these frisbees there. We always buy one…will we still put her name on it?

All these questions flooded me today. What will we do on her birthday? …and mothers day?

Tony and I fought so hard to become parents…parents to her. That we chose to make mothers day and fathers day the big holidays for each other. We wanted to always honor each other and the gift that is parenthood.  For us it mattered more than our birthdays and Christmas.

 

 

Valentines day . I was so cheesy ..I tried to make all the holidays fun…Now this one is beyond tarnished, 2 days after she died.

 

Ruined all of these days …

Please make this go away. Please make this not real.

. . .let me wake up from this nightmare. ..

please!

One of our favorite games lately has been Jonathan on top of the play house tossing his parachute man down..Today while up there…Jonathan told me he hated me. This was a first. He didn’t mean it. He was just a little upset and the words tumbled out.

 

But I would be lying if I said it didn’t sting…if I said it didn’t worry me…

Does he blame me on some level? Or resent me because our lives have so changed?..I used to be a “on the go” fun stuff kinda mom..

He has lost his sister and the mommy he knew. ..

I’d hate me too.