time

Sitting here 2 days after she is gone.

Too much to do.

I know I can get help. ..

But I need to plan her services. I need to pick the songs. I need to speak. And by need I mean want.. .

. . .but then when can I grieve for her?

I find myself up so late at night.I finally succumb when I am alone again. . .this hurt pouring out of me. I am thankful for this place to write and release.

I am already back to smiling and laughing. Pushing my feelings back into a compartment. . somewhere inside. But the moment I am alone I dissolve . . the emotions of it all.

Why am I like this? Why can I be so expressive and open here behind a screen. . but so walled up with people around.  I feel like I am cheating myself. And cheating her.

I miss you so much Jennifer Lynn. So very much. Every moment alone. Nursing the baby to sleep. . even going to the bathroom. I cry. I ache. I yearn.

And then with people around its gone.

What the hell is wrong with me?

Maybe I had it right and never should have gotten out of bed. It was at least authentic.

But then how could I be preparing all the things we need to prepare to bury and say goodbye to our daughter. And yes I am getting a lot of help. But so much I can’t get help with. We need to do it.

This is all backwards for me. We should only do grieving for a month or so. Then do the services. I am getting too absorbed in the busy.

Jonathan came home today. I talked to him about my immense showing of grief, and I asked him to look at me right then to see that I was ok. I don’t think he believed me. Smart boy. I hope I am not scarring you more than life has over the past 3 months.

He got pencils at preschool for a valentine. He wants to give them to Jennifer. He will take them when he goes to heaven. He put his huge card in her room. Oh my dear sweet boy. . He is so worried about me. I can see it. I am supposed to be his protector. . I am supposed to be worried about him.

enough of this.

time to go look at urns