questions?

Just watched her services for the first time.

Just me and her pinkie and nigh nigh. .. . kinda feel like I was in a boxing match.

.. .i lost. Badly.

I feel a weight on my shoulders.. pushing my down. So heavy.

I thought it would start to get lighter?

. .. its not.

Its getting heavier.

I smile. I laugh. I talk. It all seems fine. Its not. I am so broken. How is it that I hurt so much more now than I did a month ago? I watched her in that video and so violently wanted to touch her again . Even the sick her. Even as she struggled to hold on. I would take that her back in a heartbeat…even just for a heartbeat

I would choose to end my suffering over hers. Oh my god..how horrible am I? I am supposed to be happy she is healed and whole. I am supposed to be glad she isn’t in pain. No more of the suffering or fear she had to endure.

I don’t.

I want her here.

 

Maybe thats my glitter for the day. That this ache in me is so deep and wide.. that I find no solace in her being in heaven. Right or wrong its my truth. I know God. I talked to him a lot watching the video tonight. I trust that he gets it…That Mary gets it.

I just don’t know how I am supposed to go on.. and on… and on…

This is my truth. Maybe that truth of other bereaved parents also. The pain never gets better we just get more adept at tucking it away. I worry though.. if we pack it away too tightly..how deep and dark will it be when it pulls us in. Will I ever really see the sunshine again?

I did cross fit tonight. I want it as a escape. As something I can actually control in my life. Since nothing else is the way it should be. Our house is messy…never on top of the dishes or putting things away where they belong. No motivation to feed our kids the way I should.

..but really its just that she is gone. That she died. She had cancer. You know I say it. But it doesn’t sink in.. like at all. That my daughter even has cancer hasn’t penetrated. Let alone the fact that it killed her. And look at me. A wreck. Look out when the real stuff starts sinking in… it is not going to be pretty.

At the gym the more I cleared my mind to concentrate on my body and its movements the more thoughts of her came through. All kinds of thoughts. I cannot honestly recall what they were… that’s strange. I remember thinking  I would write about it…but I can’t pull it up. When I struggled. When I couldn’t get my body to do what it was supposed to be doing I fought back the rage. Intense and burning. . at myself. I damn well better be able to do this..control this. Do something right when everything else is so wrong.

Jonathan is acting out. That regression thing we have been warned about seems to be happening. He has gotten in trouble at preschool. Then with the friend that watched him while we were at counseling…he has some issues again.  I am trying. We are trying so hard to do right by our living kids. To give them outlets and understanding and just love them through this. Not too much though.. not making excuses for them either…No idea which way to go on these things though..

. ..please don’t let me fail them. please.

Or is he just being 4? Will it always be this way? Me wondering if its normal or related to his sister dying a month ago…or a year ago…or 7 years ago? I know it will forever impact them…color their lives…But how will I know? Parenting them through this…I don’t know how.

Luckily he starts his therapy next week. Hope it helps him…helps us to help him. And his brother and baby sister.

..I feel so alone. I know I’m not. I do. . i really know it. But I don’t feel it. I can’t even explain it.

We had marriage counseling today. Why don’t I cry? Why is the night my only safe time? I think its why I still don’t really like to leave the house. Because here I don’t “fake” it the same way. I put it in quotes because its honestly not on purpose. I want to show people everywhere what this really looks like. What my pain vocalized sounds like.

. . . I don’t. I can’t.

I want to share what its like to lose your child..in particular.. in this manner. One that we all have the capability to impact, to change.. and because it could happen to anybody’s child. Cells gone haywire. It could happen to my other 3. It is not biological. It is not genetic. Majority of pediatric cancer has no familial connection. Just really really bad luck.

well

. .. and lack of scientific discovery.

My eyes hurt. But they finally feel heavy. Released and drained. Accomplished only one of my goals…watching her service. Another thing done…to check off the list. Until there is really truly nothing left that connects me like this to her. Nothing but a lifetime of firsts…and seconds and thirds….

without her.