ok again

I had a ok day today…

..then I got on FB and we turned on the TV.

Totally stupid on my part. The reason I stay home all the time is I am comfortable…and in control. Yet I let this outside source impact me tonight.

 

A year ago Jennifer and Tony walked to the park for opening ceremonies for her first year of little league. I was the kind of mom that never missed anything for my kids. But I let Tony go alone with her so they could have the memory to share together…and

because I knew I could take her this year.

Our town is amazing. They honored her this year. I planned to walk over and listen…but I couldn’t bring myself to do it. I wish I had though. I went to our back yard and could hear people in the park…I wonder what they said about her. I am learning staying away doesn’t equate to keeping the pain away.

And they made a donation to her fund. We are honored.

But I should have been there..with her. We should have been listening to the speech about something else entirely. I should have been holding her hand walking down the street together…

Tonight writing this I feel myself sinking back into the asking “why”. Why isn’t she here? Why am I still living?

Why has this made me a worse mother…while so many others say they are better? I am so changed as their mother…not for the better…That sucks.

Commercials for the movie Gravity are on a lot now. I heard that so much her last 24 hrs on Pandora….the part a character talks about being scared of dying. I haven’t heard it again on Pandora…but it was constant then. I tried to talk a little louder to her when it came on. Its one of only 2 negative feelings I have from that time…

.. . that’s kinda amazing though isn’t it? That during those hours waiting for her to take her last breathe I only have 2 negative feelings.

And then theres that new disgusting show coming out…I won’t even dignify it with mentioning the name..But the premise is that people that have died come back…the same age..The first one. A child. Still 8, returning 32 yrs later. yea..we won’t be watching that.

And the show we were watching was Greys Anatomy. A girl with cancer was the patient focus. I knew the accuracies and the holes in the story line. I don’t want to know that information. I want to carelessly watch..

Facebook too. I think I might have to stop going on.

Today was more father daughter dances. Something my husband and daughter were robbed of. Something they both would have loved and I can’t do a damn thing about it.

 

Then I saw sisters together…in matching outfits… enjoying that unique bond, smiling and just breathing the same air.  Instead my Charlotte kisses hers goodnight on a giant piece of cardboard.

I have been able to at least piece something together to fix most of our problems..things have eventually always worked out for us…this never…

never ever will.

I am bitterly jealous.

.

.wait..didn’t this post start off with me saying I had a ok day? perhaps it was more I kept moving…talking..because the moment i sit and slow down I am more full of angst than I have been for awhile.

damned if I do…damned if I don’t.

If I am slow during the day. Then I cry and I hurt all day..then I feel guilty for not being a good appreciative mom. But if I do the opposite. If I go and talk and move and don’t feel…then at night my fingers seem to explode in a much intenser demonstation  of emotion. I become more fearful of what’s to come in my sleep.

I cannot seem to stop myself now. I need to purge..to get it out. Im not thinking people shouldn’t share their happy times…Im just jealous that I can’t. I want my girls to paint each others nails .. I want to be a little league mom..

I feel like I got demoted. Like my mom license has been suspended for 2 yrs..till my new oldest catches up to where I should be.

I want to sell girl scout cookies with her. I want father daughter dances. I want their big sister.

I WANT MY DAUGHTER BACK.

I feel like I can’t explain how all consuming that feeling is. How it takes over all of me. How nobody understands.

..but thats not true. The untruth in that is why I started off saying my day was ok.

A fellow bereaved mom came over for a few hours. We talked. She understood. I understood. I shared..she doesn’t know it..but things I have shared with almost no one. My almost debilitating regret about a crappy parenting choice. The one I am trying so hard to believe she forgives me for. It just sucks to be stuck in it.

We all make mistakes…especially as parents. But thats ok…your supposed to have a lifetime to make it right again..I don’t. Not with her anyways. I can’t get it out of my head. I can’t escape the crush of my regret.

Worse still.. its not like I have really learned. I make dumb mistakes with my boys …  I more than most should know better…

I don’t. I take them for granted. 3 weeks she has been gone…I should be basking in appreciation for the opportunity  to parent these perfect little beings. But I still look forward to bed time…

…oh what I wouldn’t give to tuck her in again. To have her stall for just a little longer snuggle. To hear her call “wait mommy” I have it with them though. Jonathan stalled tonight…quite a few times. I should cherish it. I don’t. I am patient enough I think…well I hope…Now though I am constantly fearful that anything the boys do thats “wrong” is a cry for helpo. ..that they are hurting and unable to express it. .

I know how quickly it can be taken away…

Just because one died..doesn’t mean another never will.

So is this the trade off for my first ok day?? A horrible night.

Like all the emotions that lately have been spread out through out the day tackle me now. Its like a wave of emotion towering over me and forcing me down..so fast and furiously its hard to breathe.

I WANT MY DAUGHTER BACK