I can’t stop crying. And thinking. SO much inside me desperate to pour out.
I try to go on facebook to numb my mind. And I see her everywhere and I am thankful. So eternally thankful.
. . . and gutted.
And scared for it to end. One day everybody will start to move on. You have to. It natural.
I can’t. Ever.
I felt something with her. A connection and a warmth together in the final moments. And its gone.
Its all fucking gone.
I am so lonely. Surrounded by nothing but love and prayers.
I am so lonely though.
It defies all logic.
But then again so does the death of a 6 yr old old. My 6yr old.
Muscles in my body ache from the voraciousness of my tears.
I had a nightmare last night. One I am too scared to share. And one that has made me too scared to sleep tonight.
I’m scared of the dark.
Tony snored last night and I freaked out. I cannot hear it again. That noise so much like the one she made. I can never forget that sound.
I watched the news program about our family and our donation of her tumor. I got a email from the dr in charge of DIPG research at Stanford.
We did good Jennifer. Really really good. There are only a handful of DIPG strains on the world. You my darling had a lot to give.
Instead of parenting and celiacs magazines on our coffee table its urn and coffin magazines.
. . .for my Jennifer.
I thought I would dive right into planning services. Like I have for everything. Every miscarriage jumping right into what comes next. Never pausing. Or falling
. . .or beaten.
I am battered. I am twisted.
I am . . I am Libby. Wife of Tony. Daughter of Mary and Bill. Sister and Aunt to many.
Mother to 4.
and . .
. . . .
. . .well we all know their is no word for a parent that’s lost a child.