because of her

Another 12th.. experienced and gone.. Much like my daughter.

The 12th is so bittersweet for me. Its a day to truly go back.. remember and reconnect .. to feel the overwhelming sadness over her being gone for another milestone in time somehow thats a good thing for me.. but then the ache that the distance is ever-growing between us.

We got up yesterday and I asked Tony to take us, me and baby Charlotte and our memories to the beach. We went for breakfast and walked on the beach together. I cried a little .. off and on.. We talked a little off and on.. We bought a ton of candy.

 

 

 

 

 

 

It was good. It was exactly what we needed.. time together as a couple. Our concentration being on each other.. not a non-profit.. not raising awareness. .. just each other.

Husband and wife.. grieving mom and dad.

On the drive home I told him a part of me could stay like this.. just him driving us all day long. He said he could turn around and we could drive along the beach to wherever I wanted to go..My only thought was..

Can you drive me to her?

Charlotte went down for a nap and I laid in our bed. I clung to her pinkie bear..I sobbed tears coming with such force my body is sore today. My grief using muscles I didn’t know could be used for that purpose. I cried to Tony that I couldn’t remember her voice.. so he brought it to me.. we heard her sweet voice. we released our sorrow together.. Then I slept. That one hour felt like 5 seconds.. but was refreshing..

…I so hope thats how heaven is for her…

I woke numb… completely emptied. For 5 hours or so I was ok. so blissfully numbed again. It was like my brain stepped in and said this is too much and shut it down. Til right before bed. .. 11:30 at night.. almost the end another 12th and I remembered the first one.  When I tried so desperately to stay up past midnight (I failed) I knew then it would be the last day I could ever say I touched her..

As horrific as it may have been I would love to return to that day.. My family around us.. remnants of her still on me. I still have the shirt I wore.. one of our pink Love4JLK ones..in a ziploc baggie. Some of her still on it..I remember how hard it was to simply take that shirt off.

I’m wearing one of those today. Love4jlk. Its come to mean something..to be something.. Although we are not naming the non-pofit after her perhaps I will keep the blog name as love4jlk. .. it will forever be the undercurrent to our lives. .. to my writing..

love for JLK

We picked up the boys and took them out for our usual “cold yogurt”. A tradition on these 12th milestones that is my way of doing something she loved FOR them and BECAUSE of her.

Today we did the same thing. We set up the water slide we bought right after Charlotte was born. Truly we bought it for her because we knew she would love it. I am so thankful for those times we did things for her.. that we lived in the moment instead of always saying.. next year as was our usual. That we had such fun while she was here.. before we knew she was sick. We took it out and spent all day on it

…for them..

..because of her..

 

…until there is a cure…