mommy

We leave tomorrow for our trip…hopefully. Car troubles tonight.

Nothing a little duct tape can’t fix though! ..yikes

.. . wish everything was that simple.

Its almost midnite for us. Just got the kids all into bed.. long night. But lucky to have my sister and nephews watching the 2 little ones and another nephew helping Uncle T as they call my husband with our car.. We have always talked about how great all of our nieces and nephews are.. how we hope to raise kids like my siblings are. Our kids all have at least one older cousin as a godparent..some of them have cousins as both god parents.

All so healthy too… I always thought with this many kids, baby Charlotte is #21, that we were bound to have somebody with a major issue. Figured it would be us…

. .thought it already was…Thought my infertility and her celiacs was it. Thought that was our “big medical drama” for our extended family.

Cancer never came into my mind. One of mine dying was never even on the radar.

Constant minor hiccups throughout the day.. meltdowns.. broken bottles of juice…lost shoes… organizing years worth of clothes to stumble upon one more bag.. nothing major but it frayed our nerves. We need to get away. Card games, movies and business plan packed up.

My parents will be watching our kids here. Hopefully good bonding time for all of them. .

except that a skunk just fouled up our yard…Hope that dissipates soon..

Support group was tonight and we were invited to bring a picture of our child. I pulled out a ton for Tony to go through. He cried looking through them. I didn’t. Looking at her pictures is one of my most cherished parts of doing this blog.. .

I get to visit her every night so it doesn’t have the same impact on me as it does him.

Jonathan met with his therapist. Before we left he got very nervous.. saying he had been kidding he wanted to go back to his old person. In the end we had to drag him out. Only thing she shared with us is that he played with the puppets and they all took a bite of the chair and died… they were allergic to chairs.

.. insert parents over thinkingggggggg NOW.

Is it due to her celiacs? Though I never referred to it as a allergy since its not. Or is it because he is getting allergy testing? ..

. .. or just random musings of a 4yr old.

Afterwards we took him out for dinner. His first buffet and the only time, other than when we took him to Starbucks to begin the “your sister is dying”  conversation, that he has had both of us alone.  I think he genuinely enjoyed that. But love that he is, he wants to bring Nicholas along next time.

Then back to working on the car (we had borrowed my nephews to get the therapy sessions)

A friend of mine will be having her baby soon. I was supposed to be in the room with her. I was so excited. This should be what my life is all about now…not just focused on survival..

I love labor and delivery. So did Jennifer. I had a photographer there for the births of her siblings. She LOVED to watch the slideshows.

Thought about it on the drive home. Another thing I feel like I have lost.. I can’t be there for my friend. ..and now writing this it hit me. . .

when we would talk about her having a baby I asked her if I could be there with her.. I may have even made her pinkie swear on it. She never will experience it. I won’t get to witness this girl who was born to be a mother become one..I don’t think I ever really realized that… That I am losing out on that moment with her. I was never too concerned with picking out her wedding dress one day.. though of course I would have loved it.

What we dreamt of together was that moment.. of pain and euphoria.. holding her baby for the first time. No matter how they come to you its all the same emotions. To get to witness her lifes potential come to fruition…

How dumb is that? Create a girl with incredible mother potential and take her at 6.

…she would have been the best mommy.