I remember

Tony has our biggest and littlest living kids out running an errand and our new middle child is napping. I have business cards from DC set out to organize and start making contact.. I have a to-do list for Unravel laid out in front of me.. but I can’t motivate.

Because I just need to cry..to write.. to miss her.

We walked to the farmers market just a bit ago.. its right near where her preschool was.. I never walked there. She would have loved it.. but I thought it was too far.

…constant regrets.. constant second guessing.

For the first time since she died I mistook one of my living kids for her.. I was busy doing something and caught a glimpse of Jonathan out of the corner of my eye.. just a flash of his leg and the back of my brain registered “Jennifer”.. before the thought was even complete I realized what was happening..

Days like today I wish I didn’t have other kids.. I wish I didn’t have a reason to go on.. I wish I could just give up.

I can’t.

I won’t.

They are more than enough reason .. but today I wish I didn’t have too.

Oh my Jennifer. My sweet baby girl. I miss you. I just want to touch you again. .

This is so hard. So much harder than I ever could have imagined it would be. How do people do it? How do people possibly get through this? Day after day.. year after year…

The stamina necessary just to function daily is incredible.

I made our Jennifer in July album.. Jonathan and I will make a slideshow too.. we are already talking about the song options. ..

I just want to hold her again.. grab her little head and …

i remember oh my god i remember …

in her room looking at the cover of her book. . i remember.

oh my god.. the flood of the memory.. my head is tingling .. i cannot breath..

the enormity of it..

i remember.

oh god.. i feel like i am going to pass out..

oh jennifer i remember.. baby i remember

the shape of your head.. oh honey..

i remember.

… it was extra rounded at the bottom.. so much of my hand could fit there at the nape of your neck..                                                 i remember hugging you how often my hand naturally settled there… the way the tendons stuck out..

i remember.

i looked at your picture with your face painted looking up at me and i wanted to grab you so badly ..

i remember.. oh god.. maybe i’m not ready for this..

oh buggers thank-you…

i miss you

but

i remember