heavy and crushing

It is so hard to come home to a house without her. . Its hard to leave and feel like I am leaving her behind. .. It is hard to come home.. to hug my boys.. and have my arms ache so desperately for the one hug I will never have the luck of getting in this life again. 

I know experts would tell me she is too little but I am so sure Charlotte feels the same way too.. The unabashed joy that washed over her seeing her brothers today was incredible. I couldn’t help but wonder if she thought they were also gone from her forever. It was a half giggle – half cry noise. Eerily the kind of noises I think I would make if I got my Jennifer back..

                                         a sound of joy and disbelief.

Then before I put her to bed tonight we sat in front of the pictures of Jennifer to say good night.. And she was so animated.. And it broke my heart. Because her big sister is not like her big brothers.. she is never coming back.

I’m sure some might think I am crazy.. think I am pushing my emotion onto her. Perhaps.. but not completely. This is just something I know .. that even my 13 month old has her own loss that her little mind is struggling to grasp and make sense of.

Moments earlier a wet faced husband and 4 yr old were in the room with us. Both having shared some grief over the missing girl in their lives. .. . We all needed to be together again.. to be in our home. Feel the weight of her absence.

…its so heavy. its so crushing.

Jonathan wants a picture like one I have of their sister and Nicholas. I don’t have one. I have so many others that portray the undying love she had for him.. but not the way he wants to see it. ..

I hate how helpless I am feeling right now.

I thought DC would be freeing.. I thought it would give me a renewed sense of purpose in this fight. It didn’t. It did the opposite in a lot of ways. If her death somehow lead to a cure for pediatric cancer it would never be good enough for me. But somehow I thought maybe- just maybe- her death wouldn’t be completely in vain.. it gave me a half a second of relief..

This trip for the first time I am so scared it might truly be in vain. Her death. That nothing good will come from it.

this thought is

…its so heavy. its so crushing.

There was boy in DC that was part of our larger group, I think he was around 16. When asked why he was there, he shared it was for his friend who died when he was 10. I couldn’t help but want that for my daughter. To have her be remembered 6 yrs later by her friends. I know its selfish to want these kids to be so impacted.. so broken by her death.

Her friend recently had a birthday party.. this girls mom shared how mad she was leading up to it and she wasn’t sure why.. till it hit her. Jennifer was missing.. and so was I. And I liked it.. I like that she mattered.. that she was thought of. I liked that somebody else was mad and hurting because she is gone.. I know thats “bad” ..

My beautiful niece is struggling.. in counseling because the loss of her little cousin. And all I can think is I hope its not too good.. I hope she doesn’t heal so much she forgets.. that she moves past my baby. Admitting that outloud makes my stomach hurt. Its humiliating.

I miss her so much I shake inside.. I didn’t even know that was physically possible.

I have to find a way to make this “right”.. to make her death “matter”.. I have to.  Because if I don’t..

its too heavy. its too crushing.