happiness

We all miss her. At different times in different ways.. but there is a constant current

..i miss her…

flowing through our household.

Yesterday i saw the first offering from baby Charlotte in Jennifer’s room. One of her lovies. 4th kid I finally got smart and bought a bunch of the blanket animal she was becoming attached to. I found one on the floor of Jennifer’s room.. at the foot of her bed… right where the boys leave there things for her. I leave the stuff there for a few days and then put it away. Nobody complains and they all seem to respect each other.. so far only one offering at at time..

I walk by her room many many times during a day. I don’t go in it often. If I am writing something I will be sharing publicly I always do it in there.. not my blog since I don’t literally share it myself.. but when I speak about her.. .the words don’t come until I am in her room.

I want to find comfort in there. I want to lay on her bed.. It just isn’t working for me .. yet… I hope.. it will one day. Right now when I go in there the flood of bad memories is too strong. Of her struggling to move.. the last time I heard her garbled voice… trying and failing to get a catheter inserted… her screaming in agony. I think right now its not my little girls room.. . it her torture chamber.

and death bed.

The day she died I still only wanted to be in there. When we tried to leave the house and I completely melted down .. After carrying me back inside Tony tried to help me to our room. I remember.. . I pushed away. My legs found strength to stand and then run and collapse.. nearly suffocating on my sobs on her bed. I would have died right there.. never left till I joined her if I had the choice

Friday was a good day. A simple easy day full of simple easy joys.

Will I ever experience it again? Feeling happy again..not so watered down I can’t recognize it?

We went to dinner at the families house that also lost their daughter 7 yrs ago.. . the family of a little girl I have never met but I find myself talking to sometimes also… They gave me a card around Easter with her picture. I shared it with Jonathan. He loved getting to see Jennifer’s new friend. . .

I hate that I don’t know her friends..  I hate that I don’t have any control.. or even a tangible relationship anymore with my daughter. It just isn’t fair..

We miss you girls.

I am thankful you have each other. .. I am thankful we have each other now too. Its pretty amazing to be with people who really truly just understand.. at a cellular level what we are experiencing.. That I can ask the questions that are currently terrorizing me.. keeping me up at night.

Will I feel happiness again?

I won’t share what they did with us.. but it did give us some hope.. some honest not pat answer hope.They are Christians and it was also good to be able to sit and talk with them about each of our relationships with God. Again with a level of understanding and intimacy we haven’t experienced before.

They are raising some great kids too. . Despite a loss very similar to ours… eldest of 4. 1 of 2 daughters.. The remaining kids so very young.  This gave us the greatest level of hope..

 

~~~Jennifer you go ahead and play with their little girl, we approve~~~

Tonight the same thing. We took the kids outside and Tony watered the trees. They stripped down and ran through the hose water.. Jennifer was the only one who really go into it in years past. . Jonathan would go for a bit.. Anything to be with sissy.. but then grow tired of it quickly.

She would have loved having partners to play with..

The sound of their laughter tonight.. squealing with delight. I should have been soaking it all in.. I lost all the years of her life…and I fear I am losing these simple years of theirs.

Its like I have a huge big screen tv on.. with characters laughing and smiling. But the mute button is pressed. I can see it. I can understand it.. But I cant hear it.. I don’t get the full effect. I can smile and laugh.. but its hollow. There is no depth of happiness to it.

I love feeling the wind in my hair. I love being outside. I feel like its easier for her to reach me somehow.. . Our back yard I feel that even more. The only place that tops it is this house. Her home. While in radiation treatment.. all those weeks staying at Stanford I came home and hated it here. I wanted to rip it apart. I love it now.

 

I just watched some video I took of the kids playing in the water today. Its terrible. I am moving it back and forth constantly from kid to kid. I know why . I remember my just below surface thought..

What if this one is next?

That fear of losing another one creeps up my back and chokes me.. .

So I film trying so hard to be sure I get them all in it.. enough.. Video of them.

 

Moving. Laughing.

Here.

Breathing.
Living. ..