forever 6

7 children died today from cancer. My child wasn’t one of them. She is already dead.

I will blog about the 24 hours leading up to her death. But that will be one I keep just for me. Here though moments . . memories will come up I will share you as they do.

Firstly we want to say thank you for the outpouring of love and support. We are working on finalizing a location and date for services and I will share once they are cemented.

Today has been harder than I ever could have imagined. I held her. I stayed with her for over 24 hours . . much of it spent looking in each others eyes. It was. . . well beyond words.

I think people have a image of death. . .maybe to ease ourselves. . that its peaceful.

In my. . albeit thankfully limited experience  . . its not always.

It is raw and messy and gritty and hectic. . .

it is beautiful and awe inspiring. . .

The 24 hours leading up to her death.

The death of my first baby.

Were some of the most precious hours I have ever lived.

The death of my child . . the experience I had . .  was much like birth.

Hard. physical.pain. labor. fear.

. . .love.

And so worth it.

The most beautiful day of my entire life.

. . . . hands down . . .

On that Monday 2.5 weeks ago when we got the call about the bad MRI results. I had a flash of thinking she would die on the 12th. I didn’t tell anybody.

Its crazy right?

But then a few days later I started told some people. Her doctor called to express her love yesterday morning and said she was shocked. . .but not . . . that I was right for the day my daughter would take her last breath. For the record I was off by about 45 minutes on the time….

It is so much harder than I expected. I told her over and over again it was ok to go . . that sometimes kids lead the way for their parents.

I thought I meant it.

I lied.

I thought I understood what I was saying.

I didn’t.

I know she is pain free and happy.

but I still want her with me. I would give anything to have her back.

Even post seizure frozen in bed with me.

Its that hard and I am simply that selfish.

I took more. Of our moments together at the end. . . but I’m not ready to share those. I am not sure I will ever be honestly they are too raw and too personal. But I am thankful I have them. She changed a lot physically in 24 hours. I want to remember all parts of her . . they are all her and I love them all.

I miss her. Yesterday I tried so hard to stay up till midnight.

Yesterday was the last day I could ever say I touched her and felt her weight in my arm.

I am so beyond broken. So deep dark in a chasm that I can’t see my way out of it. Tony has decided its not time yet for the boys to be home with us.

My cries are too loud. My grief too physical.

I feel like her death has stolen my whole family. I thought she would take a piece of me. But I fear she took all of me.

My sister in law shared that she isn’t getting messages of condolences, but messages of what a inspiration I am and Jennifer was.

Lies.

I am a pathetic mom right now. I feel like I should know better than any other mother how to appreciate my children and be in the moment. But I can’t. I can’t find it in me.

I screamed at Tony this morning I wasn’t going to shower. I couldn’t wash her off of me.

She is gone. Forever.

She is never coming back.

I don’t think I am strong enough to survive this.

It is so much harder than I ever imagined it would be.

She is gone. Forever.

Am i?

I tried to leave the house yesterday and couldn’t. I am literally terrified to leave. . .her? I don’t even understand it. But it is so strong and palpable. Tony had to go the funeral home with my sister today. . while I laid in bed and a friend cared for Charlotte.

I can’t remember her before she got sick. Its like my memory of her starts on Oct 28th. Her 6th birthday.

. . . forever 6.

I miss you Jennifer. So much it steals my breath.