dying

Easter egg dying at my parents house…with a ton of cousins.

That’s where my 2 boys are tonight.. its where my big girl should be too.. . .me too actually. I always said I wasn’t going to stay.. that I was going to drop my kids and leave… I never did though.

.. .till this year.

I knew I would be of no help.. just looking at the table of smiling faces missing my daughter.

I am nervous for Easter. But I can’t run from holidays and gatherings for ever. .  Because missing these events doesnt save me from the emotions.. it just delays them.

Instead tonight I am in her room writing.. looking at the offerings from her brothers all over the room. The giant card from Jonathan’s valentines celebration at school. A batman symbol. Her doll in a high chair now with food and drink in front of her..

 

..and a angel on her bed.

the bed she became a real angel on..

 

I sit in her room now and remember her… with such pride. .. and struggle with the anger of why she died..we all lost so much with her death.

I got a comment on a earlier blog that I read last night. About how Jennifer said hi to a little boy from who school.. who struggled every day and cried a lot. Just her kindgesture of sayign hi to him meant so much to his mother.. and to me now… her mom hearing it. But what really got me… had me sobbing so hard that Tony stopped what he was doing to come check on me. The little boys mom was on campus at recess.. .watching her son sitting by himself when my brown eyed girl ran over with her trademark smile inviting him to play with her. .. .

Integrity .. .its what you do when nobody is looking.

.. .my daughter was overflowing with it. What a beautiful person this world lost on February 12th. She is impacting and hopefully bringing change to the world of pediatric cancer.. but she had potential to do so much more. Just by beign herself… loving and brave.

My other kids would have learned from her.. she would have taught them what it means to be a genuine and good person. Of course I will work on it. Of course I will do my very best.. . but nobody could have taught them as well as their big sister.

I printed out the moms comment. We will frame it and hang it… to always be able to remind my 3 youngest what we expect of them.. the kind of people we want them to be.

Jennifer wasn’t perfect. But she was such a good person… better than I even knew. Far better than I am. .. yet I live and she died.

I am so thankful to know this story of the girl I was just beginning to raise. ..

I just miss her.

And I am so confused. Why are we allowing this to happen? Losing lives that hold unlimited potential.

 

***glitter for your day***

As a country we spend somewhere in the neighborhood of 23billion dollars on foreign aid. For childhood cancer the NCI dedicates 176 million. Thats a 130 times more to foreign countries.

Why such a beautiful life cut short?

 

 

 

A life that held so much potential. .. .

to give

to help

to love

to mother

.. . ..

to dye easter eggs.