darker

Darkness…I have swallowed it in.

There is a difference between wanting to die and wanting to kill yourself. I never knew that before.

…now I know it. Now I live it.

or rather am barely surviving it.

And I feel lucky that Tony can totally understand it. Because right now the tears are so strong …the pain so vulgar. ..I start to wonder how I am going to survive it.

That’s why I couldn’t blog last night. I was blinded by it all.

Submerged in the darkness.

A night with waking babies..all 3 of my living ones. Normally I would be tired but appreciative of it. I would remember to be grateful..admittedly a exhausted grateful….but still I would remember in the morning how lucky I am. I was honestly always aware that motherhood is life’s greatest blessing and of how quickly this time passes. I know it sounds cliche..but I was that cliche.

The highest benefit of being on the younger side of a large family. Seeing my nephews and nieces grow…how quickly time passes.

Now the sharpest downside. Now that hardest part of my placement in the large family. Seeing them grown…and knowing how much I will miss out on. Knowing I can never get this time, this right now, back…I am blind to it in the dark.

I can’t seem to find that feeling….that emotional connection to the thankfulness for what I have, part of me anymore. And the loss of that adds yet another layer to this pain. It was a piece of me I really liked.

Yesterday we went for a walk. With all of Jonathan’s emotional outbursts it took us 45 minutes to get a block. He was trying so hard though…to work it out and work through it. Eventually we made it to the levy. Walking here…was always one of Jennifer’s favorite things to do. I hoped it would make us all feel connected to her.

So this morning I really tried to be better. Still I cried. Jonathan brought me stuffed animals and gave me hugs to try to heal my pain. He is truly stepping up so quickly to be the new oldest. I talked with him that it isn’t his job to take care of me. But I feel so special and loved that he is trying…(the word I left out to him is “should”) …since I know I should feel those things..and thats what he needs me to feel..But his light cannot seem to penetrate my dark yesterday and today.

..It sounds so silly…only 2 days I have felt like this. But the days are passing so slowly…not even 3 weeks since I last kissed her or felt her weight in my arms.

When Tony got up I went for a run. Again in the rain. Its so freeing to run in the rain. So few people and the cold and wet gave me comfort.

Today I took my phone to listen to music. I listened to the station we played almost non stop her last 36 hours. And quite a lot the days before. And I sang and I sobbed. ..Both loudly. And I smiled too. It was cathartic and I probably looked crazy. But now you will know if you see somebody running and crying and singing…maybe you can spare a little..grace…

When I made it back home I wanted to finish the song so I walked past our home. And as I listened and cried I looked at my neighbors homes. And I wondered if they had any heartaches in their lives?? Are they living in some sort of a nightmare too?

You cant tell. I wish I could shroud our home in black…and myself…so that everybody just knew. Jonathan wanted to go to a pizza parlor for dinner. He has never made that request. The only restaurant we have ever eaten at is Red Robin since they have kid friendly gluten free options.

I wanted to…but I couldn’t bring myself to do it.

….sorry buddy..

I have one tattoo. I got it at the end of our infertility journey. Its cherry blossoms…with petals for each embryo we put in with IVF…and petals falling for every miscarriage.

From a Huffington post article..”The significance of the cherry blossom tree in Japanese culture goes back hundreds of years. In their country, the cherry blossom represents the fragility and the beauty of life. It’s a reminder that life is almost overwhelmingly beautiful but that it is also tragically short. When the cherry blossom trees bloom for a short time each year in brilliant force, they serve as a visual reminder of how precious and how precarious life is.”

I noticed how they are blooming on my street and also in front of our home….I used to love them. But this year…the verdict is still out…

today I wanted to rip every bloom down and crush them in my hands and under my feet….but then through out the day I looked out our windows and looked at the tree with an almost longing.

 

Jonathan is still questioning and sorting things out in his head. Bedtime tonight took a bit longer..just to help him settle his heart and his mind. I am trying so hard to answer his questions with truth…

but without my darkness..

I hope I did ok..because tonight I am drowning in it. It can’t get any darker…

But..then again..

on more than one occasion

…I’ve thought that before…