birthdays

I had a post in my head ..about 5ks and butterflies… but that will have to come another time.. this is all that is on my mind since this morning.

I got on FB and saw my friends post about it being her daughters birthday.. in heaven. I used to feel for other people. I used to be emphatic. .. I feel like I have lost that quality..

but today it comes .. that emotion flooding back.

The gut wrenching sorrow I feel for our friends.. the struggle to find the words to convey how much I hurt for them. So I did what I want others to do for me. I reached out, risked saying the wrong thing.

And most importantly I put the date in my phone. So I never forget. So every year til the day I die.. whether the friendship remains or not.. I will write to them.

Jonathan was at preschool.. nicholas and charlotte played for a hour together.. It gave me the time I needed for the physical release. Sobbing on my kitchen floor. Talking to these 2 little girls. ..its so backwards when I think about what I am doing sometimes.. asking these babies of ours for advice. guidance. strength. The things we were supposed to be giving to them ..

Jennifer never knew their daughter.. but I showed her pictures while on hospice. I told her this little girl is her friend. One of her best buddy’s from schools big sister..

I hope they are together.. I hope they are together holding their mommies as we both cry today.

I will never ever forget this little girl.

Her mom texted to say they were going to the beach for pizza and ice cream.. she invited us to join. So we did. I got out of my clothes for cross fit and into clothes for the beach and pizza. We got there early. I let the kids play on the beach. I thought about how much Jennifer would have loved this.. would have loved to the spontaneity in it. She never got to experience that mommy…

I loved watching our boys together. So different than they were just 3 months ago. Sometimes they fight so much .. I wonder what I am doing so wrong this time around.. But today they took care of each other.. playing together.. encouraging each other. . . Especially Jonathan who is not as fearless cheering on Nicholas as he lept off the wall we were sitting on. I imagined her there.. how she would have fit into all of it . . I thought of her jumping with Nicholas.. and asking to take Charlotte into the sand. I imagined how she would be able to convince Jonathan to give it a try also. My 3 oldest just fit together really well.. .

I liked that I could imagine it.. I like how the only Jennifer I will ever know still fits into our family. I know one day my forever eldest will be the youngest in age.. How will my mind sort that out? Will I still be able to imagine her in the moments with all of them? I want to.. I am scared to lose that..

When they arrived the kids split off .. boys with boys. And our two sisterless girls played together… many years separate them … yet they share a bond so unique.

…  little sisters to a lost big sister.

They both lost so much.. a sister. Such a powerful relationship.

Nicholas wore a Jennifer shirt to the beach but took it off. (shocker!) We took pictures and he held his shirt so Jennifer could be in the picture too. I want more of her.. I want all of her.

I miss my daughter. I just want her back. I just want to be with her again. I day dream about it.. about dying. About helping somebody on the side of the road and getting hit by a car. Just to hold her again for a moment. .. I read an article about melanoma a day or two ago.. and I thought about how my chances of getting that are better than average. That’s a good thing in my mind so rotted with grief.

And I feel guilty for it. Tony joined us in Capitola after work. .. so we drove home seperately .. there were times on the drive I felt tired.. and worried for Tony driving the dark roads tired.. and I had a flash of jealousy for him alone in the car.. while I had to be so careful driving our 3 babies. ..

Everyday is such a mixed bag of one day further from the last time I touched her.. and one day closer to being with her again.

I run, I dance, I fly. All of it a way to avoid the crushing sorrow. But it catches up.. it always catches up. And when it does I buckle under the weight of it. I am not sure how to find a balance to it all.

The 5k hosted by Arms Wide Open that allowed us to not only participate but also take a share of the proceeds was yesterday. I ran from my ache. I did a good job at it too. ..

The day was good. I had a good run. I got to meet so many good people.  I ran from the hurt all day. Being sure to just keep busy.. avoiding the pain. . It always catches me though.. first thought in the morning and final one at night.. There is no balance for me in those times and when it fully gets to me its is crippling. This morning in the kitchen .. reading about Jennifer’s heaven friends parents having to endure a birthday without her I lost my ability to stand.

Days like today become so exhausting .. emotionally and physically. The emotional part catches up to me frequently.. and I know the physical will too.. some point . Even after drying my face Nicholas knew.. “you sad mommy.” not a question a statement of fact.. from my 2yr old.

We ended our Capitola night with cookies.. from the same placeTony and I went to last time.. they had a new sign..

Oh how I long for the days something like this would mean nothing to me…

I long for

her..

overwhelming .

longing.