A good therapist and an attentive husband can really fuck up your morning!
We had counseling this morning. I figured it would mostly be focused on Tony’s concerns for going back to work…Apparently not.
Somehow we ended up on the topic of my guilt.. the subject of my blog last night that Tony doesn’t even read anymore.. This guilt can be so overpowering for me. It was the first time I really cried in a session.
.. how I wish I could have her back to keep making mistakes, then making up for them again.
Its the same old record over and over again.. I am forever changed by her death.. . and I wish she wasn’t missing out on these lessons I have learned. I wish her death wasn’t the catalyst for me improving
It’s not huge things.. I wasn’t a bad mom before.. Its just in some ways I am better..
..someways I am worse also. I know I go back and forth.. the yo yo of guilt.
I also talked a lot about how I feel like I didn’t know the best of her. I knew she was a good kid. I knew she was loving and generous.. I had no idea the impact she had on people though.. And not through me.. not the people she has touched through my fingers on the keyboard.
I am so proud to be her mommy.
I swing either way on the guilt spectrum.. Either guilt for being better and Jennifer missing it.. or guilt for the overwhelming grief of missing her being so unfair to the boys. Its frustrating for Tony .. he wants me to see what he sees. My Dad had our 3 living kids so we took a few extra minutes to go grab coffee afterwards and give me some time to pull myself back together again.
We loaded up and headed to the Discovery Museum. On the way Tony asked if I wanted to go see our friends who just had a baby earlier in the morning. I did..
Its always surprising whats hard. Seeing the baby…holding brand new life . Not hard. Seeing another mama in the height of her happiness. Not hard.
Walking the halls of a hospital.. apparently any hospital..
..took me out at the knees.
Tony dropped me off and went to go get lunch. I walked in and it was like the air got sucked out of the room. I almost called him to come get me.. To tell him that it was too hard.. but then I thought it would pass soon.
It got worse. I felt a pressure in my ears. I felt my legs go wobbly. I was woefully unprepared for this to happen. This wasnt her hospital… it didnt even look the same.
At one point somebody that worked there stopped and asking if I needed help.. was I ok.
apparently I’m not.
I took a minute and then made my way up to the room… washed my hands and felt my new normal self returning. I held the baby.. heard a birth story. I thought of her. How much she would have wanted to hold this new little baby. How much she would have helped.. and I had a flash.. she met him first. I don’t understand it at all.. but I think Jennifer met him before any of the rest of us did.
It hurt. Why my baby?
It made me smile. .. knowing somehow that she loved this little guy.. and so sad that he will never have the honor of knowing her.
As soon as I hit the hallways the anxiety train hit me again… .I kept my head down and got out as soon as I could.
We had a good day at the museum. The boys really like it there and building and painting and splashing… they don’t know and I haven’t decided if I will share that she painted the same wall they did today just a few years ago.
I wonder sometimes if she whispers to them.. so quietly they don’t even know they are hearing it. For the first time Jonathan painted a picture of her…
..in the same color pink that she used.
I thought it.. but I wasn’t sure until I came home and searched for the picture.
I went to cross fit afterwards. I learned my body is capable of a lot..
apparently I am stronger than I thought I was…
…we all are.