all night

My blogs are going to be short. And probably not every day. I just feel like I need to give a warning of that.

Each day is so long . . .normally that would be a complaint.

But I am thankful beyond explanation for each moment and each breathe.

She was up every hour last night. Struggling to urinate. She bears down and shakes with how hard she is trying. . . its so heartbreaking to see her fight so hard to do something that should be simple. . .that just a week ago was so simple.

One week ago . . was it really only one week ago?

Last Sunday night was the last we went to bed hopeful . . it was the last night before the new prognosis.

Next Sunday I will likely be lamenting this one. I think she will already be gone.

my baby. no. please. no

The hospice nurse came. We tried all different avenues to help Jennifer today. I got in a bath with her. We tried unsuccessfully to put in a catheter. the first time she screamed and I did my best to hold her and assist the nurse. The 2nd time my sister who is a R.N came and helped with allowed me to better hold her.

The first time it was so reminiscent of the time they tried to put a feeding tube in. She tried so hard not to resist. She called for me to help her. Begged for me to tell her when it was done. Once even yelling I love you mommy. And that was the breaking point. I scooped her up and held her.

Her frail naked body. Bones sticking out.

She hasn’t eaten…anything short of 1 popsicle since Monday. Tomorrow will be a week.

Luckily a friend stopped by this morning to drop off breakfast. We pretty much just walked away and left her there to take care of the other three kids.

While they were trying to put the cath in the 2nd time Jonathan sat on a chair outside her room. He just kept saying “No I am waiting for sissy.” as they tried to coax him away from the door. Finally they left to go play at a friends house.

Tonight I tidied up while Tony snuggled her zonked out body on the couch. I found paperwork talking about to talk to kids about loss . . sorry I mean about death. It talks about using proper words . . .

I sobbed. Into my Charlotte baby’s hair. I told her this was her mommy now. Probably for the rest of her life. . this noise I was emitting. . . she better get used to it.

I don’t know how she does it though. She is still so with it sometimes. So lucid.

How is it even possible?

Last night at one point she was totally alert. I woke up Tony just to be with us in the room together. Just sitting. . and chomping on ice chips. Especially making the squinchy goofy face we know and love so well.  To enjoy her living.

 

 

And now we try to eat dinner together, my husband and I before I go hold my baby all night..

all night

all night.

. . . please